GD Drabble Collection
by I-Mushi
Summary: Finally posting the ficlets in the FFVII and Green Dreams worlds that were originally written on Tumblr. No knowledge of Green Dreams is required to enjoy, though most drabbles are based on the idea that Cloud has time traveled!
1. Food Poisoning

Prompt: Any chance you could please tell us about the time Zack gave Sephiroth food poisoning with the rare Wutain mussels?

 **Food Poisoning**

Sephiroth has the stomach of an Abyss Worm even if he was pickier than more restaurant critics, so Zack didn't actually think this could end badly.

Then again, he's said that about a lot of things that had ended with people dead, him covered in sewage or worse, and Sephiroth's precious hair full of gunk.

So on a promotional tour of Wutai the General brought along two Firsts, including Zack. And Zack of course wanted to try the deadly Wutain Shogun Mussel (named after only the bravest and craziest to eat it). The mussel itself was rare and expensive and lived in some kind of poisonous coral that meant if the meat touched even the slightest bit of the outer shell you were as good as dead.

Zack had to have it.

So of course he was going to drag Sephiroth into this. It would be good for his fierce image, and hey, he bet that kind of fresh mussel would totally taste good to Sephiroth's super-enhanced taste buds. That line of persuasion didn't work with the General, but Zack had maybe flirted with a kitchen worker into making sure those mussels landed on Sephiroth's plate. Then he'd _have to_ eat it.

What everyone had failed to tell Zack was that the mussels went bad incredibly quickly—something to do with the water in Wutai and the way they were cooked—so they had to be eaten almost immediately after being served. And by the time the Shinra governor of Wutai had finished talking, the chef introducing various dishes, and Sephiroth thoroughly glaring anyone thinking of talking to him into cowed silence, the mussels on their plates had been sitting for a dangerously long time.

But man were they delicious. There wasn't much meat, but the flavor just exploded, and they were soft and slid down the throat like expensive champagne. Zack was suitably blown away as he carefully picked all the meat clean from the poisonous shell, moaning and rambling about how amazing it tasted the whole time. Sephiroth too had nothing bad to say about them for once, and happily ate the two on his plate.

And he looked perfectly fine through all of dinner, even if he was glaring a lot harder at everyone around them by the end, including Zack, who wondered what kind of cheap food they had served otherwise to put Sephiroth into such a bad mood.

When they finally did leave the dinner hall Sephiroth didn't even make it three steps into the garden connecting their sumptuous guest rooms to the main building. Zack has seen a lot of men throw-up in his life, including SOLDIERs, but he had never expected to see Sephiroth do it. In a bush after a fancy meal no less, while frantically pulling his hair back.

"Shit Seph, did you let the mussel meat touch the shell?"

Stomach momentarily cleared, the General almost snarled at him. "No, Zackary, but your high praise of the dish led me to believe I wasn't tasting tainted meat until midway through dinner." The effect of his words was lessened somewhat when he had to lean over and retch again.

"…You sure you didn't poison yourself? You've _never_ been sick before," Zack said worriedly. The closest Sephiroth had ever come to being ill was after some big injections and tests by Hojo. Zack stepped forward and held his friend's hair back, wondering how likely he was to get eviscerated if he rubbed the General's back. Sephiroth and food poisoning?

When Sephiroth was able to walk again, Zack followed him into his room, almost believing nothing had happened by the way the General held himself, at least until the man collapsed on the bed, hands shaking slightly. Zack was quick to grab the mastered Heal materia from Sephiroth's bag and cast the most powerful Poisona he could. When nothing happened Sephiroth continued to give him the most baleful look he could while he recovered.

"I still think you poisoned yourself. Only your system would be able to survive that toxin," Zack announced when one more Poisona did nothing.

"The spider coral's toxin kills within three minutes of consumption," Sephiroth recited, stare boring into Zack. "I am familiar with the effects of food poisoning thanks to watching you insist on eating the cheapest Wutain noodles you can find under the plate and then regurgitating them an hour later."

Sephiroth looked almost _green_ as he said this. Maybe "regurgitating" was the wrong word to say.

"Well yeah, but that was before I was a First." Zack sat on the bed. "At least you know now what us plebeians have to deal with when it comes to bad food and too much alcohol. And I can safely say you'll live."

In fact, Doctor Zack's diagnosis was right, and once Sephiroth's system was cleaned out he was fine. And it took about a third as much time as it did for anyone else with food poisoning he'd ever seen. That didn't save Zack from getting his ass handed to him in a "spar" (more like a thrashing) in front of the governor and his entourage the next morning when Sephiroth demonstrated just how recovered he was and how pissed off being sick as a dog for fifteen minutes had made him.


	2. Gifts

Prompt: Back in chapter 4 of GD, you hinted that Sephiroth tends to get loads of gifts from admirers and is rather inventive in his ways of disposing of them. What's the most outrageously over the top/ embarrassing gift he ever received and whose desk/apartment/lunch did it end up in?

 **Gifts**

"Is that a stuffed head?" Zack asked as the box was opened and the tip of a beak peaked out. Sephiroth cleared aside the packing and bubble wrap to reveal the hideous taxidermy fiend.

"I believe so."

"That's a new one."

Sephiroth didn't reply, but just looked into the box bewildered. Flowers he understood, as well as sweets and cards, even small gifts meant to decorate his home or be useful in his office, but a stuffed Epiolnis' head?

"Want me to burn it?" Zack eventually asked when the silence moved past quizzical and into awkward territory. He looked rather dubiously at the head, mounted on a wood backing with holes already drilled in to be placed on a wall. Sephiroth might be an incredibly powerful killer, but he didn't mount trophies.

"No," the General said, now looking thoughtfully at his gift, leaving the card unopened on the desk deliberately.

The Epiolnis' head appeared in Rufus' office two days later, with it's beak wide open beside a now-tilted portrait of the President, so that it looked like the President was being eaten by the creature. Zack took a week to forgive Sephiroth for smuggling him into the office with a hand-drill that made him go deaf in one ear for a day, but he did appreciate how the Turks conveniently erased the security tapes. Rufus was suitably upset, especially at finding the bird had not only been welded to the wooden post, but had sixteen extra nails driven into it to make sure it wouldn't be taken down easily.


	3. Bathroom Breaks

Prompt: I loved how you've made it that all the Firsts are addicted to cheesy TV shows. For some reason I always envision the Firsts to be really childlike and zany. Like, imagine that they're not allowed to play board games unsupervised after the famous Risk incident. It lasted 3 days, had secret alliances and group toilet breaks after one First's pieces mysteriously disappeared from his territory in Gold Saucer when he went for snacks.

 **Bathroom Breaks**

"The hell I'm getting up from the table without the rest of you!"

"What are we? Teenage girls? I don't need a clique to get me to the bathroom!" sputtered another First, glaring across the board game at one of his opponents.

"That fucking regiment moved. I don't care what you say, I had five regiments on the Gold Saucer and then I had four when I trusted you behind my back," he argued back, pointing vehemently at the board. There was an outline of the islands of the world, with the major cities marked, all covered in pieces that represented aerial forces, naval forces, and armies. And no one could seem to agree on how many pieces had been at the Gold Saucer before that bathroom break.

"Okay, you guys are all going. Everybody up!" Zack yelled, breaking up the quarrel before it got nasty. He'd had a lot of practice after Day 1 of the game. They were already another five hours into Day 2 and no one was losing steam yet. Zack had an ongoing bet for how long it'd take Sephiroth himself to intervene.

"What?" "You're kidding!" a bunch of the men groaned.

"UP YOU LAZY ASSES!" Zack barked in his best approximation of a drill sergeant's voice. Since he'd been yelled at quite a bit for inattention by the Shinra drill sergeants, this was a terrifyingly accurate portrayal.

Everyone trooped off, sullenly watching the board as they left to be sure the last man didn't knock a few soldiers off. There was an awkward line outside the men's restroom under Zack's eye, and most everyone grumbled but didn't outright complain. Then they trooped back in time only to gather around the Risk board again, contemplating their strategies.


	4. Worst Patient Ever

Prompt: Could you make a funny drabble of Zack trying to take care of an ill Cloud?

 **Worst Patient Ever**

"Lay back down," Zack ordered in his best _I'm the Lieutenant General and you have to listen to me_ voice.

"I'm fine," Cloud said, suitably unimpressed.

"You puked all over the training room's floor and hugged my toilet bowl for another half hour."

"Now it's out of my system."

"That's not how the stomach flu works," Zack groaned. He considered tying Cloud to the bed, but he was pretty sure Cloud would figure out the knots eventually. He was wily like that. "The one time Seph is on vacation…"

Cloud started to sit up again and Zack pushed him back down. "You leave that bed and I'm getting Tseng to tie you down properly. Don't think I don't have blackmail on your buddy Reno he'd want to hear." That suitably cowed Cloud for the moment, and Zack was able to leave and grab the medicine off the counter he'd picked up from the clinic. As a First he couldn't really catch the flu, but when he'd heard Cloud was sick he'd picked it up right away.

When he returned to dose Cloud up he was met with a very sullen blond. He'd probably realized Zack had taken his PHS so he couldn't warn Reno or find someone to jailbreak him. "Two cap-fulls, so bottoms up."

Cloud swallowed mutinously, and when he looked tempted to spit it out Zack reached for his PHS. He actually _did_ have something on Reno Tseng might be interested in, because Zack liked to cover all his bases. "That's definitely not grape-flavored," the blond griped. But he didn't gag or visibly show how awful the taste was.

Zack shrugged. "Too bad. Now go to sleep. The bathroom is right there and I left the trash bin here if you need it."

"I'm not tired."

"You will be because I got the drowsy kind." Zack shook the bottle of medicine smugly. Like hell he hadn't predicted Cloud would be the worst patient ever. The only reason he was even halfway cooperative was because he was surrounded by movie posters instead of nurses and white hospital walls.

"One more thing," he said as he turned off the lights and headed out. "You try to sneak out in the night and I'll tell Sephiroth you tried to take a mission while sick with the flu. He'll ground you without training privileges for a month." Cloud's eyes widened in outrage, but Zack was already shutting the door behind him. There was nothing worse to Cloud than being denied the training room, so that ought to keep him complacent until morning.


	5. Bad Injection

Prompt: I've been haunted by the idea of Cloud asking Seph something like "How many times must I kill you again?" when caught after another mako injection .

 **Bad Injection**

This injection wasn't going well at all, Zack couldn't help thinking as he watched Cloud take him and Sephiroth in with narrowed eyes. Zack still couldn't quite explain the changes that overtook Cloud each time the mako hit him, but the very line of his jaw, the way he moved his body, the sternness of his eyes, gave him away as something much more.

That and the things that came out of his mouth.

"How many times must I kill you again?" he asked directly to Sephiroth. There was no doubt about that, though Zack hoped vainly that Cloud didn't actually think he was talking to Sephiroth.

"You haven't killed me, Cloud," Sephiroth said calmly, trying to draw Cloud back out of his hallucination. Fat lot of good that did.

"Twice now," Cloud continued hazily, and he reached over his shoulder looking for the hilt of a sword. When he groped aimlessly, he instead settled into a fighting stance. "Third time the charm?"

Zack had sometimes heard that sardonic tone from the blond, but it was somehow much crueler to hear Cloud's sense of humor when he was clearly gearing up for a fight. He sounded resigned.

Sephiroth mimicked Cloud's fighting stance, probably also knowing words weren't going to work. "You do not have to fight this alone, Cloud."

"Except I do." Then Cloud lunged forward and the two were soon lost in a flurry of blows. For all the mako injections Cloud had so far, he couldn't hope to match Sephiroth yet, and soon enough Cloud was face down on the floor struggling.

"I'm not your puppet!" he yelled, managing to somehow weasel one hand free, but he kept groping for the sword he didn't have. Zack looked on painfully, wishing there was some way to suffer these hallucinations without subduing Cloud by force each time.

"No," Sephiroth agreed, staggered breathing barely giving away the strain it caused him to hold down the blond. The mako injections had done _something_ it seemed. "You are my friend."

That seemed to confuse Cloud, and eventually his struggles slowed. Zack watched his eyes anxiously for the first sign of lucidity, which took its sweet time to arrive.

"Zack?"

"Oh thank the planet," Zack groaned, helping Cloud up now that Sephiroth had let go. The General had his gaze fixed on Cloud. "They're getting worse."

"What happened this time?" Cloud asked blankly. He never seemed surprised, just more and more reluctant with each hallucination.

"How do you kill a man twice?" Sephiroth asked.

"You kill a man once," Cloud said, after a prolonged moment staring at Sephiroth. He almost narrowed his eyes the same way as he did when he was hallucinating, and Zack could suddenly see the resemblance between what he had considered two different Clouds. "You kill a shadow the second time."

Sephiroth didn't outwardly respond, but the words must have meant something to him nonetheless. Cloud looked like he wanted nothing more than to sleep for a month and pretend like none of this had happened. As usual.

"Bed's all yours," Zack said. When Cloud had gone to lay down, Zack gave Sephiroth one of his piercing looks. "You better tell me what that was all about."

"As soon as I know," responded Sephiroth.


	6. Knocked Down

Prompt: Could you do a ficlet of Seph and Zack sparring? See how many times and how many different ways Zack gets knocked down.

 **Knocked Down**

Zack held the buster sword in front of him, every muscle taut as he waited for Sephiroth's first move. The General had the advantage of range and speed, but Zack had been working on a few things that might help.

Then again, he thought from his place on the floor a few minutes later, that might have been cocky.

Sephiroth was inhumanely fast, and the tricks he could do with Masamune were legendary for a reason. Zack was familiar with many of them, but that stupid lunge and parry had caught him empty-handed—or nearly, because the buster sword had been as useful as a dead fish in his hands at that angle. He'd have to consider how to deflect that in the future.

"Best two out of three," he said to Sephiroth as he stood up, the man scoffing but showing no signs of leaving. Sehpiroth didn't get much of a challenge from fighting only one First Class SOLDIER, but Zack was the best of them. The General not walking out meant that those three minutes of harried parrying and dodging hadn't been wasted.

"Let's begin," Sephiroth intoned flatly. Zack swung with his sword, anticipating Sephiroth's attack, expecting him to try the close-quarters again because that was where all the challenge lay. Sephiroth could kill a hundred things six feet away from him, but when he got stuck using the hilt of his blade for defense things got interesting.

He did indeed go for the close-quarters, but Sephiroth must have been working on it because Zack hadn't gotten to do half of what he'd wanted to try out on the General. "You can't… overpower… me…" Zack struggled to say as Sephiroth bore down with his blade. They'd been fighting less than a minute until they'd reached this stalemate. Zack didn't know what Masamune was made of but Galatine didn't break under the pressure of the blade. He held his grip steady and risked unbalancing himself to kick at Sephiroth, not unlike Cloud had done before.

Unfortunately the General had expected that, and he'd braced himself for it. Zack had to twist his whole body around to redirect Masamune to the ground since his maneuver failed, but that left his right side open, which Sephiroth immediately attacked. They shared a short series of blows before Sephiroth's gut-punch sent him flying into the air.

"You… suck…" Zack gasped minutes later when he was standing again. He had Galatine raised though, because this wasn't over, even if he'd yielded again because he could barely breathe.

Again their blades met in a rush of slashing, nothing more than a flashing of silver like fireworks in front of them. Zack wasn't even thinking so much as reacting to every blow Sephiroth dealt him. It wasn't enough; it never was. He lay panting, one knee on the ground and Masamune bare inches from his throat a scant few minutes later. He thought he could block that stroke from Sephiroth, but his left wrist had been disabled before he could. Zack had never seen that move before from Sephiroth—sometimes that was a point of pride, because he'd forced Sephiroth to rethink his strategy, and sometimes it was just aggravating.

"I yield," Zack said for the third time that day. Sephiroth relented immediately.

"You've getting very clever about my defenses," the General complimented.

"Yeah… 'cuz I've been watching you and Cloud on the security tapes."

"Cloud has a peculiar ability to predict me," Sephiroth commented. Zack didn't bother to argue the point. He was never quite sure if he thought Cloud was just a secret genius or if there was something more insidious there. They both knew what Sephiroth thought.

"Again," Zack said.

They lasted all of five minutes with high-speed, anti-gravity fighting before Zack had to succumb to the onslaught. He'd never seen Sephiroth fight so strongly nor so avidly as he did then.

"What's the occasion?" he panted, rolling over from where he'd been sprawled from the last swing that had sent him flying. Good thing he'd been reviewing how to fall properly with Cloud or he might have injured himself.

"I said Cloud could predict me. I did not say I liked it." Sephiroth picked at some invisible spot on his blade, knowing that offering Zack help to stand would be rebuffed. Sure enough, Zack stood up after a few moments.

"Well good for you," Zack said, hefting Galatine again. He was not quite so enthused this time though. "Do you have to try out everything on me though?"

"If it doesn't work on you, it surely won't work on Cloud," Sephiroth responded smoothly, falling into his own ready position. Zack rolled his eyes, knowing Sephiroth wouldn't take advantage. Trust the General to try all his moves out on his Lieutenant-General before trying Cloud.


	7. Nightmares

Prompt: Has Zack ever seen Cloud in the middle of one of his nightmare? Surely Cloud has stayed over in Zack's place once or twice and Zack was woken up by Cloud or heard him on the way to the toilet. I can only imagine how helpless he would feel to see Cloud convulsing or thrashing in his sleep, clearly distressed, or catching a glimpse of eerily familiar glowing green eyes rolling in Clouds head.

 **Nightmares**

Cloud doesn't just have nightmares. He has _experiences_. And for Zack, who isn't unused to nightmares after spending a night here and there with Sephiroth and his own trials with PTSD, knows that Cloud's are on a whole other level.

Rule number one: Shaking them out of it can be dangerous.

Cloud thrashes. He moans and rolls and sometimes even froths at the mouth. Zack never tells him any of this so he doesn't worry, but Zack worries enough for the both of them. These are violent dreams, characterized by seizure-like fits and full body twitches. Zack is afraid to touch him and make them worse.

Rule number two: Talking about nightmares helps.

Except Cloud never wants to talk about them. Zack has tried—oh Planet has he tried—but Cloud clams up tighter than the screws holding Zack's motorcycle together. Each morning after Zack sees Cloud stagger from bed and collapse at the kitchen table, and even the breath of a question about some horrific scream or vivid tremor sends Cloud right back to bed.

Rule number three (Cloud exclusive): Trying to help Cloud avoid the nightmares makes them worse.

Zack tried once when Cloud stayed over to belay the nightmares by tricking Cloud into meditating before bed. Meditation had helped Zack with PTSD trials before, and he hoped it might help Cloud. Cloud had been able to do it quite well, but Zack had woken up to more than just thrashing—Cloud was _fighting_ , he was struggling, he was being _tortured_ in his dreams. "No, please!" he cried, holding his arms flat like he was being forced to, torso wiggling the whole time like he was trying to escape. It made Zack sick; sick enough that he actually dumped cold water over Cloud to wake him up.

It had worked. Sort of. Cloud had said, "Zack? They're letting us out?" before he realized where he was. He didn't explain that comment or the nightmare. He'd just lain in bed silently staring at the ceiling while Zack pleaded with him to tell him how to help. He never tried meditation or white noise or massages again to help Cloud sleep. At least he didn't recall the nightmares after a normal night, not like Zack did when he woke to choked cries and begging whenever Cloud spent the night.


	8. Cloud Drives Like a Maniac

Prompt: If you're open for GD ficlet requests, I would love to see Cloud scare the shit out of either Zack or Reno with his crazy badass driving skills :-D

 **Cloud Drives Like a Maniac**

"Cloud…" Reno said warningly, clutching the edges of his seat. "Where the hell did you get your license?"

"No license," Cloud grunted, accelerating. The jeep hit the corner of the slight ridge by the side of the road and jumped five feet in the air. Reno yelped as the car hit the turf with a jolt, knocking them both around. Reno was gasping for air as they drove on; Cloud hadn't even reacted.

"What do you mean no license?"

"Who's gonna license the savior of the world?" Cloud said mockingly, taking a hairpin turn about fifty miles faster than the recommended speed. Reno squeezed his eyes shut when he realized he miraculously wasn't a splatter on the side of the road.

"Why are you only telling me this now?!" Reno begged.

"You didn't ask," Cloud answered, flooring the pedal. It was a straight stretch of road, but the scenery was going by so fast it was sickening. How fast were they going? Reno didn't want to know.

"Are we there yet?" Reno moaned, wondering if Cloud had a death wish or if he just had no idea how fast he was going. Judging by the stoic look, Cloud didn't even look that into the driving despite the wildly dangerous stunts.

"Kalm is another two hours away. Maybe an hour if I speed up."

"Two hours is fine," Reno murmured, closing his eyes. "Three is better." Why hadn't he worn armor? Or at least brought a helmet? Why hadn't someone warned him driving with Cloud was a death sentence?

The car swerved and Reno's face pressed against the window for a dangerously long amount of time, and even though he had his eyes closed he felt like he could sense how close that cliff was. They were gonna die. They were so dead. He needed to tell Rude to ban Cloud from touching any vehicles ever.

"Are we gonna die?" he asked Cloud when he peeled himself off the window. He peeked at Cloud, but when he saw Cloud turn the wheel sharply he closed his eyes again. _I'll join the hippie environmental movement for the rest of my life if you get me out of this Gaia,_ he prayed.

Cloud didn't answer Reno, being so focused on dodging monsters at record speeds. Reno wasn't sure if it was good he was concentrating on driving, or bad that he was driving even faster as he focused.


	9. Christmas Dinner (Unwittingly)

Prompt: I'm so happy to see that you've started to write again! I've missed, GD, HWTF and all the ficlets. No doubt LOTR is filling your mind with BOFA coming out soon. But hopefully we can have some GD make an appearance? Even a ficlet would make my Xmas. I'd love to heard about Zack sneaking brightly coloured plates and cups into Sephiroths apartment :-D

 **Christmas Dinner (Unwittingly)**

"Cloud, bring this backpack with you."

"What? No," Cloud said, shoving the offending thing back at Zack. He was trying to tie his boots in the doorway to his apartment but Zack was getting in the way.

"Come on, I'll take it from you right away. It'll just look weird if I have two."

"Why _do_ you have two?" Cloud asked, hesitatingly taking the strap like it might be a bomb as he stood up. They were just going to Sephiroth's for dinner. Hardly a reason to have two backpacks full to bursting. "Did you cook something?"

"No!" Zack said immediately, because he knew he made a mean Mideel gumbo, but everything else he made was mediocre at best, poisonous at worst. "Just wanted to be a bit festive."

"You got Christmas decorations," Cloud deadpanned. He sounded eerily like Sephiroth on the phone when Zack had proposed making a dinner theme around Christmas a few weeks ago. This dinner happened to be two days before the holiday, and Zack had deliberately not requested to bring reindeer plates or Santa lights or anything—because he'd already bought them and was going to bring them whether Sephiroth liked it or not.

"It's Christmas!" he burst out. "Best holiday of the year! Presents, partying, and weird but awesome traditions!"

"Sephiroth's gonna hate it."

"So what?" Zack demanded, "It's good for him to get out of his comfort zone," and that was the end of it. Cloud and Zack both brought a backpack up, and Sephiroth eyed them suspiciously. Cloud looked genuinely innocent for once, which meant the bags got by without being checked under the excuse of gifts. If Cloud hadn't, then all the festive cutlery and decorations would have ended with a Fire2 explosion in the hallway.

"The turkey is almost finished," Sephiroth called, and Cloud trotted after him into the kitchen after dropping the gifts on the living room table (Sephiroth didn't have a tree which Zack thought was a sin), leaving Zack blessedly alone. In quick, efficient movements, Zack unpacked and replaced all the dishware and the centerpiece on the table with his own. With one ear cocked to the kitchen (Cloud was talking about sword hilt designs with Sephiroth—what dorks), Zack hurriedly pinned up garlands and twinkling lights until the room looked properly festive for the season. By the time the oven went off and Cloud appeared with the salad bowl, the whole room looked different.

Cloud's eyes bulged a bit as he took it in. Zack took this as a triumph. Cloud and Sephiroth needed more lightheartedness in their lives, and even if Zack's reputation became a littler softer for this then he didn't mind—anything to make the General think about something other than the Cloud dilemma—and anything to make Cloud act a little less like a perfect robot of a SOLDIER. There were too many secrets between Cloud and them, and maybe a bit of Christmas spirit would smooth things.

"Merry Christmas!" Zack cried as Sephiroth stepped in with the turkey, taking in the decorations with a flat expression. He looked at Zack as though to say _what's the ulterior motive?_ except Zack didn't have one really besides relaxing everyone for the night. No secrets, no talks, just Christmas spirit and maybe a tiny splash of liquor in Cloud's cup (he was the only one who could get drunk easily after all).

Sephiroth grudgingly let the dinner go on with garlands around the room and Rudolph-printed plates on his table since Zack's enthusiasm was unimpeded by Cloud. Cloud couldn't stop snickering when Zack insistently made Sephiroth hold the Christmas cracker as Zack pulled it, revealing a badly written poem and a sparkly red and green hat. Zack wore it when Sephiroth flat out refused, and Cloud stuffed half of his pudding in his mouth to hide his laughter.

By the end of the night Sephiroth had relaxed enough for some coffee (unfortunately in a snowman mug, since Zack refused to let him use anything else), and Cloud had shared stories of his childhood Christmases, which was a good sign the sherry in his drink had done the trick. Zack meanwhile had reveled in Sephiroth's decorated apartment and a night well done. For the moment, they were just three oddball friends having a Christmas dinner, not the world's strongest swordsman, a science experiment gone wrong, and a misfit soldier. The point being, of course, that all three of those descriptions fit them, and Zack thought quietly that was a little terrifying to have in the same room. Then he finished his slice of pie and went to get seconds, vowing not to think on it again until after the holidays.


	10. Cloud Kicks Ass

Prompt: Has Sephiroth ever considered coercing Zack into actually giving Cloud a weapon after one of his Mako injections? Kill two birds with one stone, let Cloud actually fight his demons and let Sephiroth see the true extent of his fighting ability.

 **Cloud Kicks Ass**

This was the epitome of underhanded. If Zack thought they'd gone too far before by tricking Cloud, this was another thing.

"Is this right, Seph?" Zack asked, holding Cloud under the armpits. The mako injections were never kind to him, so the cadet was passing in and out of awareness, sometimes talking to himself or figments of memory or imagination, and other times perfectly aware of his surroundings. Sephiroth was banking on the former though.

"We need answers, Zack. There are very few options left to us, and this is one of the least cruel."

Zack didn't know how to argue with him, so he reluctantly let go of Cloud, letting the kid stumble before he straightened and accepted the buster sword Sephiroth handed him.

"Thanks Barret," he said uncomprehendingly.

Sephiroth clicked a button on a small remote and across the room a door slid away from the wall. The gym for the First Class SOLDIERs was amazing for two reason: fantastic facilities, and real challenges.

The monster that crawled out was a low-level chimera, nothing a Second couldn't beat easily. For a Third is would be small challenge, perfect for testing Cloud. When the thing roared, Cloud snapped to awareness, calling something named Red to him.

"Back me up with magic," Cloud told the empty air to his right. Zack readied a materia in case Cloud actually expected back up. Then the blond launched himself forward, holding the buster sword at an angle. In three strikes the chimera was dissected into thirds, laying in a steaming heap. It hadn't taken Cloud more than thirty seconds.

"Number 2," Sephiroth murmured, pressing more buttons. A higher-level creature emerged this time, a winged beast that breathed fire. Cloud looked up almost immediately, calling for Yuffie to attack at a distance as he jumped up.

Anti-gravity fighting was specifically a high-level ability, requiring phenomenal control and power. Cloud made it seem effortless—a feat that Zack had only recently begun to pull off. The blond jumped to eye-line with the monster and swung fast, knocking the thing around but barely denting the armor until he switched the grip on his blade and swung down two-handed. The beast hit the floor with a crash, and Cloud landed with concussive force two seconds after, all the power he could muster into the blow. The thing lay dead three times over on the ground.

"Again," Sephiroth intoned, opening another door. This was a dragon; an actual Nibel dragon. Cloud drew himself up and raised the sword in classic battle-stance.

"Seph…" Zack said warningly. He saw what Cloud was capable of, but this might be too much. This was the kind of thing you called in six Seconds for or a First.

"He will handle it," Sephiroth said flatly.

And he did.

Cloud was nimble on his feet, impossibly fast and clearly familiar with the capabilities of a Nibel dragon. He was up on the thing's head faster than Zack could imagine, raining blow after blow on it until the beast went into Limit form, summoning Level 3 magic that made the whole gym shudder. Cloud brushed off the attacks like a pro, dodging lightning bolts until he was able to sprint to build up speed before launching himself into the air, his blade splitting into pieces.

"What the—" Zack breathed, having never seen a limit like this before.

The sword pieces worked together to attack the dragon, piercing it from all sides. It was an epic attack, and the monster groaned in the aftermath, bleeding profusely, and collapsed in a heap as the sword pieces reformed into one. Cloud landed smoothly, looking unaffected from the fighting.

"As I expected," Sephiroth murmured, and he started to clap. The look that Cloud shot the General was unexpectedly harsh and dead cold.

He leveled his sword at Sephiroth; a very threatening move after the abilities he'd just showcased. "You're next," Cloud promised, and Zack drew his own sword just in case.

"Cloud, you don't have to—" but before Zack could finish, Cloud passed out in a dead faint.

"You're explaining this to him," Zack yelled at Sephiroth as he ran over, and the General shrugged.

"Only if he explains himself to me."


	11. Cloud's Birthday

No prompt, just felt like it some Seph/Cloud nonsense.

 **Cloud's Birthday**

Zack thought it would be funny and a good 18th birthday gift. He had not anticipated this.

"No, Cloud, what are you talking about? Tanks? Disembodied heads?"

Cloud slumped forward, nearly butting heads with Zack in a heartfelt attempt to explain. As he was spectacularly drunk this was failing. "You know the ones? We saw them? You jumped back a foot and I… I was on the floor and there was… green clouds? Fog?"

Cloud was looking as confused as Zack felt, so it was unfortunate timing that the bartender slid another whiskey and coke over to the blond. "From that SOLDIER over there," the man said gruffly, jerking his head back at Bors who waved. All the Firsts were buying Cloud drinks because of the bet they had going: how many drinks it going to take either Cloud or Sephiroth to crack.

The alcohol was slammed back even though it wasn't a shot. Cloud glanced over Zack's shoulder for the fiftieth time at Sephiroth, who was surrounded by Firsts subtly refilling his glass. Sephiroth didn't get drunk easily; it took a lot of liquor in a short period of time. Zack saluted the men who had the unenviable task of pulling that off.

"I like wolves," Cloud said nonsensically, staring at Sephiroth with undisguised heart-eyes. How Sephiroth consistently missed this look Zack had no idea, because the General was staring at Cloud with veiled but obvious interest.

"Sure Cloud, why don't you tell Sephiroth all about the wolves," Zack tried.

Cloud shook his head then seemed to get distracted by his own hair flopping into his face. "Didn't I cut this?" he wondered out loud, clumsily pushing it out his face.

Zack knocked back his own drink and called for another shot of Jägermeister. And then one more so he'd actually feel it. He was going to need it tonight. He had yet to get Cloud to do any embarrassing dancing, admit to anything that made sense, or spill his guts to Sephiroth.

Distantly, Kunsel was saying to Sephiroth, "Fireball—try it General; it packs a punch." Sephiroth then did three shots of it in quick succession and attested to a slight tickle in his throat. Someone face-palmed at the next table over.

"Alright, that's it. Cloud, turn around and look at that blue-haired guy," Zack said, fed up and feeling the drinks now. He ordered another shot to be safe anyway.

Trustingly, Cloud turned around and eyed the blue-haired stranger who had been blatantly staring at him for the last hour at the blond. There was no doubt what that look or the cut of that suit said: rich, poncy, fucker. Just the right target for Zack's intentions.

(Zack was the kind of friend who did not have a gil in that bet, but his sanity was on the line. If he had to hear one more sigh or catch one more lustful look between Sephiroth and Cloud, Zack would personally mash their faces together.)

Blue-haired started to saunter over and Zack glanced over his shoulder just long enough to see Sephiroth notice. Green, cat-eyes narrowed as the stranger took the seat next to Cloud and leaned in close, whispering to the blond.

Zack and every First there thought the blue-haired man was going to get more than a greeting in at least, maybe even an inappropriate grope or a chaste kiss before Sephiroth intervened. Apparently everyone underestimated Sephiroth's jealousy; maybe those drinks had some effect after all. Either way, Cloud got halfway through his greeting before he was interrupted by a wall of silver who didn't have to say a word to make the blue-haired man scurry off.

"Sephiroth!" Cloud gasped, "I– I didn't know you were here."

Every SOLDIER groaned at Cloud.

"I greeted you at the door, Cloud," Sephiroth reminded. "Has your birthday been fun?"

"Yeah, yeah," Cloud said, gaze darting away. This was going like every conversation Sephiroth and Cloud ever had. Zack could anticipate what was going to happen before it did. Sephiroth was going to get that intense look and ask something else, and Cloud was going to flush around the neck before answering and then remembering he was a First Class SOLDIER and could look his commanding officer in the eye. Zack was already rolling his eyes.

Sephiroth's look turned intense. "Is the venue to your liking?"

Cloud blushed above the collar of his shirt. "It's fine," he muttered, then straightened up. "The music is good," he added more confidently, finally looking Sephiroth in the eye.

Zack dropped his forehead on the bar.

"Another drink sir?" the bartender asked.

"Three more of the Jäger, and get the hardest thing you have for the blond," he told the counter. The bartender disappeared to handle the order.

Sephiroth and Cloud were now talking about patrols of all things.

Eventually they seemed to notice that Zack was actively hitting his head against the bar and intervened. "Zack, you okay?" Cloud asked, swaying forward too far and bumping into the First. Sephiroth grabbed Cloud's arm so he didn't unbalance—literally the only physical contact they'd had in _days_.

"I'm fine. I'm going to sleep with every First in the damn military if you two keep this up, but otherwise I'm fine. Totally fine."

"Sleep with everyone?" Cloud asked confused as Sephiroth leaned closer to examine Zack.

"I believe it's an emotional upheaval he is currently feeling," was Sephiroth's diagnosis.

"Would you two just…" the urge to say a number of inappropriate, vulgar things was very strong, but Zack settled for "…take Cloud home."

"Of course," Sephiroth said diplomatically. Zack pulled his head up from the bar long enough to see the General walk away practically sober and Cloud drunkenly stumble after him, both missing the adoring looks they were shooting each other.

Bors slid down the bar next to Zack and patted him on the back. "Maybe if we lock them in a closet _with_ alcohol they'll figure it out?" he said to Zack. Zack grunted the affirmative.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sephiroth revealed that he'd stolen the bottle of Fireball from the bar when no one was looking and swigged it there in the street. The sixteen shots in about four minutes he'd drunk when that blue-haired guy had started inching towards Cloud may have affected him. Either that or chugging this bottle of hard liquor. Cloud watched with wide eyes.

"Sephiroth?"

"I have not felt like this since… perhaps my own twenty-third birthday," Sephiroth said.

Cloud blurted out, "I didn't get to celebrate my twenty-first."

Sephiroth handed him the bottle blindly before seeming to realize that sentence didn't make any sense if they were celebrating Cloud's eighteenth birthday. He couldn't ask though until Cloud had swallowed two solid gulps of Fireball.

"You're only eighteen, Cloud," Sephiroth reminded him.

"Right, yeah," Cloud said, staring at the lower half of Sephiroth's face. To Sephiroth this indicated drunkenness. To Cloud this was showing a strong desire to kiss him. Cloud shook off the haze first and smiled a bit at him. "Thanks for walking me home."

"Of course," Sephiroth said. They made it unscathed to the private car of the train and then to the elevator bank in the First's quarters. Cloud couldn't remember if he lived on the fourth or seventh floor and which one Zack did, so when Sephiroth hit the button for the penthouse he went with it.

They'd run out of Fireball by the time they'd reached the SOLDIER barracks and begun to sober up in the elevator. Around the fifth floor Cloud was lucid enough to realize that he was going to Sephiroth's apartment with no one but the man himself for unknown reasons, and had a subsequent panic attack.

The cure for a panic attack now was more alcohol, so Cloud bee-lined for the liquor in the kitchen and did a shot of whiskey right there before Sephiroth even made it inside.

"It's my birthday," Cloud said unnecessarily to Sephiroth's stare. Meanwhile the General was trying to get the image of Cloud's Adams apple bobbing out of his head.

They moved to the dining room table with the bottle of whiskey. "Why're you drinkin'?" Cloud managed after a few minutes of silence between sips.

"I haven't in a long time," Sephiroth said, sounding remarkably sober despite not feeling that way. He got up and got a second bottle of rum that Zack had left long ago. "It's very hard for me to feel it."

"I know," Cloud said, nodding along.

Sephiroth felt implicitly like Cloud understand all that meant, but he didn't know why.

"My bed's more comfortable than the couch," he let slip, then knitted his brows when he realized what he'd said. "Not that you–"

"Yeah sure, whatever you want!" Cloud said a bit too eagerly, not that either were totally aware to notice. They looked at the mostly finished bottles in front of them before moving to the bedroom as one. Sephiroth took the right side as he usually did and Cloud smoothly slipped under the covers on the left before jolting up when he remembered to take off his shoes. Sephiroth snorted and struggled to undo the toggles on his leather outfit.

"Lemme help," Cloud slurred, hands scrabbling at Sephiroth's chest before he managed to make his fingers work. "Sorry," Cloud muttered, not that he felt that way, nor did Sephiroth feel uncomfortable in the least. "Why's this so hard?" Cloud muttered a few moments later.

"For battle," Sephiroth said flatly, trying to do undo the toggles himself too. Between the two of them they got it off and Sephiroth shrugged the whole top off. Taking off the pants was more trouble than he wanted to deal with, and right now they were so tight they hid most of the evidence of Sephiroth's interest. Cloud was pulling off his loose shirt and socks, and this normal event shouldn't have been so interesting to Sephiroth but it was. Cloud's back muscles rippled in interesting ways that made Sephiroth want to reach out and touch.

"Seph?" Cloud asked, turning slightly. Damnit, Sephiroth _had_ reached out and touched.

"No scars."

"I know, weird huh?" Cloud said, and it was another moment where Cloud seemed to understand him even when he couldn't possibly. Sephiroth shook it off and lay down.

"The aircon is too strong in here," he said randomly.

Cloud shrugged. "I'm used to the cold. I'll steal all the blankets."

"I run too hot. Don't need all of them," Sephiroth answered.

They looked at each other.

"Fuck it," Cloud said, and rolled over to kiss Sephiroth.

It was exactly as sloppy and awesome as Sephiroth anticipated. He reciprocated immediately, meeting Cloud's eager tongue with his own. They kissed hard and long until finally running out of air Cloud pulled back to pant. Not letting him go, Sephiroth pulled Cloud's head more firmly to his, gentling him into a more loving, slow kiss that set his toes curling. For an inexperienced eighteen-year old Cloud had a pretty good idea of what he was doing.

It was unrefined and messy, and normally this kind of rutting wasn't ever enough for Sephiroth, but Cloud hit every button without realizing it. In an embarrassingly short amount of time both of them lay collapsed, sweaty, panting, and perhaps slightly glowing.

"Good, so good, stay," the blond finally said between breaths. He pressed a kiss to Sephiroth's chest.

Coming down from the high, Sephiroth was now completely sober and fully aware of what had just happened. In a drunken haze he'd taken advantage of Cloud and– "Wanted to do that for so long," Cloud continued. "Shit I need another drink," he added in an undertone.

"We've had enough," Sephiroth said, finally pulling out. At Cloud's tiny whine he pulled the blond into him despite the wet spot and sweat that clung to them both. "Talk in the morning," he murmured, not ready to face the consequences of his actions.

"Again before then?" Cloud asked, and Sephiroth distinctly heard a smirk in that voice. His eyes opened of their own accord to look into Cloud's totally lucid face.

"Yes, if you want," he said, gauging Cloud.

His answer was unequivocal. "I do."

"Good," Sephiroth said, a little astounded.

Cloud rolled enough to press a fleeting promise to Sephiroth's lips before falling into sleep. Sephiroth followed him soon after, unsure if such an amazing morning would really be coming.


	12. Halloween

**Halloween**

Cloud had been avoiding Sephiroth and Zack for the better part of a week, aided inadvertently by his squad mates who acted as Zack's messengers when Cloud trudged back to his bunk late in the evenings or at irregular times so Zack wouldn't find him. He didn't want to see Zack trying so hard to mend their friendship when half the time the First was demanding truths from him he couldn't give. He didn't want to see Sephiroth's human side, the clever, loyal man Cloud had always known deep inside was there.

And he certainly didn't want Zack pandering to Cloud and the other Thirds' sweet tooths.

"Are those Mounds?" one of Cloud's squad mates yelped, yanking the blue and white candy out of the pumpkin bag Zack was swinging. The First had come knocking at a little after dinner, a time Cloud usually wasn't anywhere near his bunk. This time though Zack had gotten lucky and now all of Cloud's squad mates blocked the door to leave, so excited by free candy.

"And that is the grossest thing you could have picked," Youta declared, waving some chocolate-peanut butter confection at the man who dared to like coconut. "Thanks again for reverse trick-or-treating us, Lieutenant General."

Everyone murmured their thanks and Cloud tried to ignore the sounds of Zack winning over his squad mates and the happy noise of candy wrappers being undone.

"Well actually I kind of _am_ trick-or-treating, just not asking for candy," Zack drawled, and Cloud could easily imagine the looks being shot his way. "I'll leave you the candy if you let me take Cloud."

"Done," Xolis said, selling Cloud out immediately.

"I'm going to bed," Cloud interrupted as the men made way for Zack, his candy bag significantly lighter.

"Great, my couch is way comfier than this."

Someone coughed and muttered "not that Cloud sleeps there" under their breath, but Zack ignored the slight and waved the candy bag at them.

"I know I said we're watching horror movies, Cloud," Zack said a little louder than necessary, referencing a conversation he and Cloud had definitely not had, "but you can't pout down here all night. It's Halloween! I've even invited Sephiroth so nothing undead will get you."

Cloud was rolling his eyes before he could catch himself, and Zack's shoulders loosened a little. "C'mon, I got more chocolate and it'll be fun," Zack wheedled.

"Go on Cloud!" called Youta, unwrapping a toffee, his lips smeared with chocolate. "Bet your small town has worse ghost stories than whatever crap movie is on."

"Oh man, the scariest story I ever heard was about this place called Bone Village…" someone started, and soon enough Cloud was forgotten, though Zack was invited at least twice to stick around for a story or two. But Zack shook off the invitations with smiles and an arm around Cloud's shoulder, propelling the blond at the door and leaving the bag of candy behind.

"Don't worry, Seph saved you a Snickers and you know he loves those," Zack told Cloud as he steered them down the hall to the elevators.

"Zack, I just want to go to sleep."

"It's 1900, I know you're not going to bed."

"Zack," Cloud said, trying to be clear and forceful about his feelings. As usual, it came out more like a whine. Why Zack was so easily able to rope Cloud into things he didn't know.

"Hey, better me come down and woo your squad mates than have Seph come marching down."

"You just want them to tell you when I'm around," Cloud complained.

"Yup," Zack cheerfully confirmed.

Zack's apartment was never clean to begin with, but it was like Halloween had spit up all over the floor. Decorations, cloth spider web fragments, masks with cut out eyes, and small ornaments and creepy fake plastic fingers were scattered all over the living room, the kitchen counter, and the couch. Sephiroth sat amidst all of it looking unamused.

"Hey you got, uh, one spider web up," Zack managed after taking in the room. Indeed, one spider web hung up in the corner, lopsided but staying.

"I do not understand or care about the point of all this."

"It's Halloween, we have to celebrate!" 

"Normally you go to some party dressed outrageously and leave me out of it," Sephiroth pointed out.

"Well normally Cloud wasn't also sticking his head in the sand and refusing to celebrate. I can't know _two_ people who don't enjoy Halloween!" Cloud and Sephiroth merely looked at each other as Zack pulled one of the masks on and popped a candy corn into his mouth. "So I'm sacrificing an amazing costume and night of crazy antics to sit here with you two and eat candy and watch something scary."

Cloud looked resigned to it but Sephiroth was still fighting the pull of Halloween. "Zackary, weren't you the one who could not finish the last horror movie you insisted on watching? Something about orphans?"

"Don't talk about that movie!" Zack jerked. "I'm already going to have nightmares, no need to add to it."

"Can't we just watch something else?" Cloud asked, having never watched a real horror movie and never wanting to. Reno had Frankenstein playing in the background in his room yesterday and Cloud's life was just a little too similar to enjoy it.

Zack looked between the two of them, all but his bright eyes comically hidden behind a bizarre vampire mask. "Ugh, fine, I brought the Addams Family too."

They rolled the movie and settled in. Sephiroth refused to eat all of the pure sugar on the coffee table but did have a small Snickers for himself and handed another snack size one to Cloud. Zack chomped through the fruit-flavored sweets and sticks of sugar candy and popped out the eyes for the other masks while Sephiroth looked on and asked if Zack intended to sleep at all this week. Zack tried to get Sephiroth to wear a mask of some anime girl Cloud didn't know, claiming he had the right hair, but when Cloud looked over next Zack was wheezing from an elbow to the sternum. The mask remained on the table.

They plowed through the food and while Sephiroth was complimenting Zack for picking a movie with characters like Wednesday Addams, Cloud fished around for another chocolate. Zack managed to get some glittery purple streamers with skulls up on the walls with help from Sephiroth's height, and then they sat down for the next movie in the marathon.

"The Blair Witch Project?" Cloud asked, successfully pulling some truffle chocolate out of the spread of sweets.

"Student-done film so no fancy special effects like most horror movies have now," Zack said nonchalantly, focused now on cutting out a garland of paper spiders. "Jax recommended it."

Sephiroth was eyeing Zack's work so he missed the beginning of the movie and the way Cloud was starting to get tenser and tenser on the other side of the couch.

"Shouldn't you be doing Christmas decorations?" Sephiroth interrupted.

"What?" Zack glanced up from the spider garland. "It's Halloween."

Cloud's eyes were glued to the screen.

"Yes, but tomorrow it won't be and you'll have to put the decorations away. You decorate for Christmas too, shouldn't you start on that?"

"No! Who says I have to put away the decorations immediately?" Zack argued, and so they debated for the next twenty minutes of the movie the right time for decorations, the entire purpose of decorations ("holiday spirit" Zack said, "corporate money-making" said Sephiroth), and whether at midnight Zack should immediately stop bothering with them at all.

"Zack…" Cloud muttered.

"…I can't have them up for twenty minutes and then take them right down, I want to see them when I wake up."

"You won't be sleeping after the sugar sticks you were eating, so why bother putting them up?"

"Zaaaack…" Cloud poked Zack and when the First glanced over he saw Cloud consumed by the screen.

"What?"

"Shh…"

It was a scene where the student filmmakers were hiding in their campsite, knowing something was stalking them in the forest. The music was spiking in frightful pitches and speeding up, and Zack could feel his pulse speed up right along with it. He grabbed Cloud's sweaty palm as they watched.

"One of the students will be dragged into the forest and killed and the monster will be a silhouette on a tent wall," Sephiroth commented blandly, wondering if Zack had anymore Snickers around.

"Sh!" Cloud snapped, and Sephiroth actually glanced over in time to see Zack and Cloud both jerk violently as the monster in the movie attacked and—sure enough—stole a student from the campsite via silhouette on a tent wall.

Zack looked over at Cloud, whose hair was more on end than usual, to Sephiroth, who was brushing paper cuttings from his pants. "Now I remember why I don't watch movies with you."

"Zack, this _is_ a horror movie," Cloud whispered. He'd honestly never seen anything like it and never wanted to.

"Happy Halloween," Sephiroth muttered.


	13. Puzzle Sword

**Puzzle Sword**

Reno had spent his whole life taking things apart–broken down cars, old machines, computers, garbage PHS, people's motivations, and now Shinra Corp. He knew how to solder things back together, how to weld and screw, how to needle at secret desires, how to make complicated little parts fit back together like new. He was pretty proud of those skills actually.

But there were only six pieces, how hard could this be?

Very, apparently.

"This one opens and this one locks here, but how does the matching one…?" Reno muttered to himself, keeping one ear cocked for sounds from the couch. Cloud was out like a light, having picked a fight with something three times bigger and easily quadruple his weight on his mission today, beaten that, and then got dragged into an extreme sparring match with the Lieutenant-General. On top of his generally poor sleeping schedule, the Third was dead to the world for now.

Thank the Planet, because Reno did _not_ want to see Cloud's face when he saw him messing with his precious sword.

"Then there's this piece that goes nowhere—" Reno continued muttering, picking up one of the two smaller blades. "Ouch!" He jerked back, the tip of his middle finger welling up with blood. "Sharp fuckers," he muttered, almost tossing it to the ground before the hair went up on his head as Cloud's soft breathing hitched for just a second.

Reno tensed, squeezing the grip so tightly it hurt, but then Cloud exhaled and settled deeper into sleep.

"Okay, okay, start from the beginning. I twisted this gear thing and then…" Reno whispered, focusing on figuring out the pieces and how some of those came together. He used his mini-flashlight to peer into the settings on the sword itself to better understand the shape and eventually determined that the wider version of the main blade was a battle form and not for building the damn thing. That meant he could connect the two serrated ones to the body, but that left the hollow one—

"What are you doing?" Cloud asked, peering over the top of the couch, his bedhead threatening to defy just three dimensions.

"Fuck," Reno swore, caught red-handed with the half-assembled sword in his grip.

Cloud just blinked at him.

"Your damn puzzle sword, obviously," he finally said, pulse way above normal as he tried to sound nonchalant. "How the hell do you put it back together?"

Cloud came around the couch, picked up the blades, and in four small clicks reassembled the sword.

"Wait, how the _hell_ did you rotate that thing to fit both of the small ones? And then the—"

Reno shut up at Cloud's look. Sleepy or not, Cloud was holding a very pointy, very complicated blade and Reno had not been a good friend tonight.

"Got it, don't touch," he said immediately, leaving Cloud to sleep so he could jot down his notes on that sword. Someday Cloud was going to drop those sword pieces all over a battlefield and it was probably going to be Reno picking them up again, so he better know how _not_ to stab himself in the process.


	14. Reeve & the Turks

**Reeve and the Turks**

It wasn't often Reeve's position as Head of Urban Development required him to visit the other major departments of Shinra, but sometimes plate engineering, zoning ordinances, and sewage maintenance did come up in meetings—usually when the SOLDIERs fell through a hole in the plate or found a blockage in the drains.

The Turks' work didn't general coincide with the planning and maintenance of a city so Reeve hadn't worked professionally with them much at all. Until now at least, when Reeve stepped off the elevator and knocked on the bland door to the Turks department. Honestly, he wasn't sure he'd ever been here or why Tseng had requested he come.

A blonde woman in a sleek blue suit opened the door, cooly assessing Reeve standing there. He was tempted to fidget but tamped it down as he passed whatever visible pat-down he'd just been given and the woman stepped aside.

"Veld isn't here right now," she said, pursing her pink lips. Her hair was artfully styled and he suit tight-fitting, but Reeve was careful to keep his eyes above the collarbones. He couldn't see any weapons but that just meant she had more than he knew of.

"That's fine, I'm here to speak with Tseng."

She didn't visible react, instead turning on 4-inch heels and weaving through the desks. Reeve spied Rude's bald head over the top of one of the partitions, then Reno leaning back so far in his chair he was on the verge of falling.

He made eye contact with Reno for just a second before looking away. Reeve couldn't be sure no one else in the Turks knew he met with Reno on the roof, but best not to assume.

"Ah, Tuesti," Tseng greeted, even before the woman opened the door fully. "Thank you for coming on short notice."

Reeve stepped into the immaculate office with a nod to the female Turk, only to see she'd already walked away. He shut the door behind him and took in the pinned butterflies on one wall beside a decorative bookcase and Tseng in his usual dark blue behind a plain desk.

"It's no trouble. You indicated you had a private business matter to discuss with me?" Reeve tugged on one cufflink as he sat down across from Tseng, a little unnerved by the man's cold stare. Veld Reeve knew from office head meetings, but Tseng he'd had little contact with.

Tseng didn't answer immediately, just flicked that flat black gaze over Reeve. "Yes," he finally said. "It's not public knowledge, but you designed the original mako reactors, correct?"

Reeve tried very hard to maintain a casual seat in his chair. Considering how those mako reactors had been abused and repurposed, Reeve wasn't very proud of that achievement anymore.

"Yes, I did," he confirmed.

"Interesting that an engineer as skilled as you would then be relegated to a city planning department."

"Relegated isn't the term I'd use," Reeve said mildly, wondering what the Turks wanted from him. All his schematics and blueprints were in Shinra's files—the complete ones and the heavily redacted ones. His other mechanical and engineering projects were just personal tinkering, hardly worth the Turks notice.

"Have you considered ever returning to the reactor projects?" Tseng asked, rotating in his chair so he could cross his legs. An empty gun holster was on his hip, but Reeve was sure the weapon was within reach.

"No, they're effective at what they do and that's all the President cares. I've got my hands full enough keeping Midgar afloat."

"Literally and figuratively," Tseng said with a smirk that may have passed for a short smile.

"As I said, I've got my hands full, so be direct with me, Tseng. What are you asking me?"

Tseng's gaze glanced over Reeve's shoulder for a bare second before pinning him in his seat. "What would it take to sabotage a mako reactor?"

Reeve exhaled, gathering his thoughts and half-baked ideas of what this conversation was about. "Hypothetically? Or reverse-engineering?"

Tseng waved away the second option. "The Nibelheim reactor was destroyed from the inside out with a sledgehammer or similar heavy weapon. Not with finesse. But I have reason to believe others may be attempting to do the same."

"It would take me longer than we have to explain even the basics of how the reactors work," Reeve hedged.

"I don't need to fully understand how they work," Tseng said, looking unamused. "I simply need to know what's vital enough that any disruption could bring it down."

Reeve was already shaking his head though. "There's no kill switch on a reactor, and I built in redundant systems specifically to avoid any single event stopping it cold. Wholesale destruction is basically the best way to destroy one."

"I like how that sounds," said Reno from the doorway, and Reeve saw Tseng scowl before he turned around to see the lounging redheaded Turk.

"Dismissed, Reno," Tseng said a bit tightly, but his annoyance didn't color his features at all now. He looked like he was shooing a flee out the door.

Reno didn't acknowledge the order. "Isn't there a power generator or something in those? Pull the metaphorical plug and _bam_ , the whole thing stops."

Reeve's brow crinkled. "Mako reactors _generate_ power, so as long as there's raw mako there they can go forever—or at least so long as they're maintained."

Reno opened his mouth to ask something else but Tseng cut him off. "Enough, Reno. You and Rude have night duty for the next week so I suggest you prepare and rest. Dismissed." This time Tseng's words were biting, and Reno grinned at the older Turk, nodded to Reeve, and ducked out the door with a whistle.

Tseng let a faint sigh before refocusing on Reeve. "Even as a layman, disrupting any one or two functions of a reactor would not shut it down?"

Reeve marveled at Tseng's composure at dealing with Reno, who Reeve knew made life for his superior difficult. "No, there are multiple systems in place to correct if an issue occurs. It's why the distant reactors only need occasional maintenance. Otherwise we'd have outages and 24/7 repair teams."

"Hm… Understood. Would you say _you_ could shut one down?"

Reeve straightened, but Tseng was relaxed and it almost seemed like he trying to be funny rather than testing Reeve's loyalties.

"With the right tools it would probably take me a full day. You'd have to disable backup systems and the alarms which connect back to Shinra Headquarters. Even then power would continue for a little while as reserves are used up and then the real risk would be uncontrolled mako exposure and radiation, not an explosion or meltdown."

Tseng hummed. "Good to know, thank you Tuesti."

Sensing the end of the conversation, Reeve gratefully stood up. "I'm not sure if you're pleased to hear they're hard to break or concerned, but I'm glad to help."

Tseng stood up too. "It makes you wonder if the fugitive who destroyed the Nibelheim reactor knew that."

"Doubtful," Reeve admitted, turning to the door. "My schematics and blueprints were altered after I completed them and never public to begin with. The Science Department had a lot to do with that."

Reeve and Tseng's eyes met and that was enough said. Tseng couldn't hide a flicker of disgust or the curling of his lip at the mention of the department, and Reeve didn't bother to shield his frustration and distrust with Shinra's science branch. He knew by definition a Turks' morals were loose and questionable to begin with, but if the Science Department's experiments made a hardened man like Tseng make that expression, then Reeve was sure he didn't want to know.

But that's why he had to. Good thing the Turks didn't bother to keep an eye on his side projects or they'd realize Cait Sith wasn't in the attic anymore, but wandering the dark halls of the below-ground labs.

With a handshake and polite farewells, Reeve stepped out of Tseng's office and Reno winked at him as he walked out.


	15. Choco-Cloud

**Choco-Cloud**

Cloud was a fighter, a monster, an experiment, a hero. He was what monsters had come to fear, and he'd once been so powerful he'd taken down the strongest swordsman the world had ever known.

He was also a viral sensation.

Somehow on his bereavement leave and aborted hunt for the Triplets he'd run into a chocobo farm with some very friendly chocobos. With a broken-down bike, Cloud had tried renting a chocobo to get him to Mideel only to find that the farmer's daughter had a handy PHS and the chocobos were just coming off hatching season. He'd managed to escape the chocobo farm unharmed, but he'd been trailed by the mother chocobo for miles and apparently the video the daughter posted online had made the rounds in SOLDIER.

"Zack please…" Cloud tried, but Zack absolutely could not stop laughing.

"And then the mama chocobo–" _wheeze hiss laugh_ "–and the squawking and the–" _snorting gasping breaths_ "–the nest! the nest! You crawling and–" _Zack banging his fist on the table "You can't even believe–"_

"It's not like I was there," Cloud deadpanned sitting there in Zack's office as the First snorted and belly laughed all over his desk.

Zack was still laughing so hard he was genuinely starting to cry, which obviously alarmed Sephiroth standing in the doorway. Reno stood just a step in, both of them having walked in approximately twenty seconds after Zack started uncontrollably laughing.

"You broke him, yo," Reno said.

"What diseased video caused this?" Sephiroth asked, looking pointedly at Cloud like this was all his fault.

("Chocobo-Cloud" Zack barked, doubling over again with fresh laughter. "Choco– choco–")

Cloud frowned at the General. "I didn't film it. The daughter at the ranch did without my permission."

"Ranch?"

"Chocobo ranch," Cloud admitted.

"Wait wait wait," Reno interrupted, "That's _you_ in that chocobo video? The one everyone's talking about and I haven't seen since Heidegger sent me Condor where there isn't any service?" Cloud refused to confirm or deny, but behind him Zack made a thumping noise as he fell to the ground, clutching his shaking stomach as he continued to laugh. Every time he opened his eyes and saw the computer screen he started laughing all over again.

Reno darted for the computer and Cloud lunged, but he couldn't even swipe the redhead before Sephiroth had his arms in his grip.

Reno turned the monitor around and hit play on the video that Cloud feared would forever ruin his reputation. There he was, trying to coax a chocobo in the stall to come out so the farmer could saddle it, when a giant ball of yellow feathers stuck its head out of the stall next door and _warked_ in his face.

Then Cloud was cajoled, tugged, prodded, and preened by a mother chocobo who had tragically lost her chick in the birthing pens but gone right ahead and put her motherly instincts to use on Cloud.

As Cloud watched the drama unfold _again_ , the farmer letting him into the chocobo's stall, her stuffing him into his nest and trying to crawl out without hurting her, the constant pecking to his head… it was as horrible as reliving it. He heard Reno break out into his barking, choked off laugh that eventually kept going so hard that the redhead was leaning on the desk gasping for breath. Zack, of course, was still laughing on the floor, unable to form complete sentences.

"Interesting. I wonder what caused the reaction with the mother chocobo to mistaken a distinctly _non-_ chocobo person for her chick? Scent? Strictly visual input?"

"At least _you_ don't think it's funny," Cloud groaned, for once appreciating Sephiroth's lack of humor.

"We have chocobo stables for SOLDIER on the outskirts of MIdgar if you'd like to attempt to replicate this," Sephiroth offered with a sly smile, and Cloud was out of his seat and marching down the hall before anyone could stop him. In the background he could hear Reno playing the video again and that indignant _wark wark_ of the mama chocobo.

The elevator opened before he reached it and Rude stepped smoothly out. Even behind the sunglasses Cloud could feel Rude's eyes taking him in. "Your hair…"

Cloud froze before he _snarled_ , "Don't. Even."


	16. The Dress

**The Dress**

No, it couldn't be…

Cloud stopped dead two steps in when he saw the dress hanging in the corner.

"—fine, _fine_ , you can come!" Reno snapped, marching through the empty conference room they were secretly meeting in. "But you fuck this whole thing up and I'll personally make sure Tseng hears the wrong thing about that flower girl."

" _Don't_ threaten Aeris or anyone else, Reno," Zack actually growled, which drew Cloud's attention away from that terribly familiar dress. Zack rarely bit his words off like that.

"I wouldn't hurt her, but I'm just saying that I _don't_ want you comin' but if I gotta let you tag along I'm not gonna make this easy for you. Got that?"

Reno and Zack were standing on opposite sides of the room spitting fire with their eyes. Considering how most of their interactions were full of snapping and bickering Cloud didn't let it distract from the bigger question of _how_ , of all the dresses in Midgar, Reno found that one.

"Why the dress?"

Reno sighed. "Because the Don's fucked up and only a certain kind of person gets in his places, if you know what I mean."

Zack scrunched up his face in disgust before pointedly moving to stand by Cloud, who ignored him. "That's nice of you to dress up Reno, can I do your hair?" Zack asked.

"Zack," Cloud muttered, a small attempt to keep the peace. He'd known Reno and Cloud would butt heads as usual but he didn't like seeing Zack this snippy.

Zack's shoulders dropped and he rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry, I just… I hate this plan and I don't like leaving Seph out of the loop or taking these risks."

"We don't have time—"

"I know, I know," Zack murmured.

"I'm not wearing it," Reno pouted, tugging the glittering purple gown down from the hanger. "I can talk another Turk into it, yo."

"No, we can't pull more people in. Especially not people we can't trust."

"What? _You_ want to wear it?" Reno sneered at the First.

Cloud was still staring at it.

"What Cloud, you like it?" Reno waved the dress around.

"Where did you find it?"

Reno paused at the strange tone in Cloud's voice before visibly taking a step back and really looking at the Third. "You know… you've got broad shoulders but you're small enough that maybe…"

Zack actually snorted, but Cloud's face turned pale.

"I'm not wearing that."

"Cloud, your buddy said it too. We can't trust anyone else and I'm a little short on lady friends."

"No one would buy it," Zack jumped in. "Not with his hair."

"We'll get a wig, perfume, a little bling to draw away the eyes, no one will know. Hell, at worst they'll thing he's a drag queen."

"I'm not wearing that dress again," Cloud said firmly.

"Again?"

"Again?" Reno echoed. "Wait, you mean… Holy shit Cloud now you _have_ to!" Reno exclaimed, grabbing the matching shawl and shoving them into Cloud's hands.

"No absolutely not. We'll go down to the slums and ask Tifa to do it. Or Aeris. Or anyone."

Zack was still standing there looking at Cloud strangely. His eyes flicked to the silk material in Cloud's hands. "Cloud… I don't care what you do in your free time but if you can pull this off then we don't have to put anyone else in danger."

Cloud glared at Zack hard enough that the First threw his hands up. "Hey, I'm trying to be supportive!"

"No."

Cloud might be fated to be a hero and fated to fight Jenova to save the world, but he'd be damned if he was fated to wear that dress again into Don Corneo's.

Seeing his final look, Reno groaned and took the dress and shawl back and heading for the exit. "Alright fine, we'll find someone else to wear it. You're lucky I didn't bet more on this or I'd take my chances and force it on you."


	17. Epic Betting

**Epic Betting**

"Hey, tell Bors Zack booked out the gym again," Wade called to his tag-team partner Drace as he jogged over. Drace glanced up from lacing up his boots in the locker room.

"You think- wait, this better not be like last time when you were _convinced_ only for us to all watch Zack do some kata and eat gummy bears."

"That was _one_ time! But I swear, Kunsel talked up the General's new secretary and he's cleared his schedule out for the same hour. They're definitely sparring."

Drace grinned now. "Think you can win that filigreed handle addition?"

"I'm definitely gonna try!"

* * *

Two days, 412 PHS messages, two burritos for the bookie (extra guacamole, had to come from that one authentic stand in Sector 5), and one tulle skirt for Kunsel (a dare? no one asked), and the thirteen First Class SOLDIERs in Midgar were piled into the small observatory room with the two-way mirror.

Someone brought the whiskey, others pulled out cheese snacks and shrimp-flavored chips (only Wes and Lyle liked those), and the unofficial bookie of the event, Ace, took notes.

"The whole—?"

"Yes, the whole mattress!" one First yelled, and Ace dutifully took it down with a shrug. Despite making decent salaries most Firsts chose not to bet money but other random things.

"No I'm serious, she can really clean up after you and considering how your neighbors complain it's worth it. General knocks one point off Strife's hair and she's all—"

"You can't bet your cousin," Ace interrupted.

"What do you mean I can't bet her? Just her time, and she wouldn't mind."

"No."

" _You_ could do my laundry instead," offered one of the other Firsts to raucous laughter.

"Hey, hey, the General arrived!" someone cut in, and the Firsts gathered at the viewing window. It wasn't nearly big enough to accommodate everyone, but heads squeezed in between big shoulders and shoved the taller SOLDIERs down until most everyone could see the General swinging Masamune around in a few lazy arcs to warm up.

He'd barely gotten his shoulders loose before Zack tumbled in with Cloud Strife behind him, Zack's boisterous talk echoing loud enough that most of the Firsts couldn't make out the words. Either way, Strife didn't look confident as he walked over to the center of the hall where Sephiroth waited.

"You _sure_ he actually kicked Sephiroth back six feet in the last match?" said Bors dubiously. He'd been stationed at Fort Condor until its destruction, and thus hadn't seen one of the General and Strife's now infamous fights.

"It was ten feet, and yes."

"Three feet," coughed the bookie.

Someone rolled their eyes but everyone else squeezed a little closer to the window.

Then the fight began, and thirteen highly-trained killers started yelping, wincing, and shouting in delight as blow after blow was exchanged below.

"That's an elbow knick, I _knew_ the General was going for that, get that down Ace?"

"Look look! Straight to the ground, Strife did the same move again. Called it!"

"Got it!" the bookie shouted, focused on his datapad as he took notes of what the Firsts shouted as they described the fight and cheered and lamented their losses.

"There goes the hair!" someone whooped. "I got a maid for a week!"

"What the hell was that?" somebody gasped as Ace the bookie glanced up fast enough to see a blur of purple and blond go by the window.

"Did he just…?"

"Anyone bet on anti-gravity?" one First asked, and Ace flipped through the initial bets and shook his head. "For next time then," he joked.

"Shit, I couldn't get that high for weeks when I started," someone else muttered as all eyes tracked the fight.

"Put me down next time for 25ft high," Marco said without looking away from the window.

"Yes!" Drace jumped, grabbing his partner Wade in a headlock. "You fucking owe me a cockatoo now. General went three steps off the mats."

"You're nuts, he skidded back a foot!" Wade argued, grappling with the other man until they knocked into the door and someone kicked them apart.

Ace jotted down a note next to Drace's bet when someone confirmed that Sephiroth had indeed been forced three feet off the mats when Strife made a suicidal lunge.

As the short fight wound down and Strife obviously lost steam, Ace eyed his timer and noted whose time bets were still in the running. Jax had his fingers crossed as he glanced at his watch and back to the game, while Lyle groaned and started fiddling with his PHS. "I don't know why you can't take yours the next time you go under the Plate, but I'm ratting you out if the Turks think I was doing something fucked up down there."

"You lost buddy," Marco chuckled. "Hand it over."

The fight ended with more groans from the Firsts than the actual combatants, and Ace clicked off his timer. "Three minutes and forty-one seconds. That puts Jax's bet at just under four minutes as the closest." Jax fist pumped in the corner. "Everyone owes him dinner, his choice of restaurant."

"As for trades, Marco wins Lyle's PHS for one night for any purpose below the plate. Drace gets a cockatoo from Wade as presumably a pet…" Ace rattled off a truly stunning list of bizarre requests, wants, and a few sexual favors to be exchanged between the thirteen Firsts. As some grumbled about lost posters, future rug burns, and evenings spent cleaning out bird cages, Ace smirked to himself and flipped to a small notation he'd made on the betting page.

"General - 5, Strife - 0," he amended before closing the datapad. Why Zack always bet on Strife winning he didn't know, since Ace didn't think for a second the blond ever would—no matter how good he was. But he did kind of want to see Zack get his prize: a custom bike for Cloud Strife and a week off for them both, paid for by the Firsts of Midgar, who never even considered betting that Strife would win.


	18. The True Terror of Cloud Strife

**The True Terror of Cloud Strife**

"…Cloud Strife?" The instructor, Dave, asked, confirming with a glance the blond Third matched his photo. "Your Shinra ID please."

Strife glanced pointedly down at the clipboard where he could see his own headshot and information clearly printed. "I have to confirm your identity," Dave said stiffly, pointing to a sign near the building that clearly stated anyone could be asked for an ID regardless of the reason.

Dave expected an eye roll, but the Third just dug out his wallet and handed over the Shinra ID. After flashing a blacklight over it and ensuring all six signs of authenticity were there he handed it back over.

"Wonderful. Please take the driver's seat."

Dave sat down in the passenger side and adjusted the seatbelt before noting Strife delay before doing the same. "Now, you've stated on your record you've driven before, correct?"

"Trucks and motorcycles mostly," Strife muttered, checking the mirrors. The instructor hummed approvingly.

"Then this should be just routine for you. As you are aware, you are required to take this test as part of joining the SOLDIER program. Passing is advisable as it can speed your promotions up the ranks and guarantee you more varied assignments as you'll be able to easily leave Midgar and drive a transport. Exciting stuff for a young man like you, no?" Dave chuckled, but the stony-faced Third didn't so much as twitch. He looked bored out the front window.

Dave coughed. "I assume you had your license before and didn't renew it while training for SOLDIER?" He was trying to make some casual small talk to keep the atmosphere light, but Strife didn't seem to be anxious at all to take the test. Most SOLDIERs, even those who had driven before, were a little nervous at the simple test environment and the parallel parking section.

"No."

"No?" Dave startled and flipped through the biographical information. Seeing the name of a town he'd never heard of and certainly wasn't on this continent, Dave sighed. Another country bumpkin who thought driving a tractor was the same as on a road. Subtly Dave felt for the instructor's brake on the passenger side of the car just in case.

"Well then, let's get started. Now, the course is pretty straight forward. You'll be expected–"

The car jerked forward with a squeal and then Strife slammed on the brakes so hard Dave flew forward until the seatbelt caught him by the throat. "It's stick shift," the SOLDIER said out loud, looking almost surprised.

"Press _gently_ on the brake," Dave said sharply, massaging his neck. "And knowing the car–"

"Bikes are manual," was all Strife said before taking the right turn sharply and plowing down the main road. He picked up speed alarmingly fast, and indeed noticeably increased it at a yellow light.

"Are you aware of the speed limit signs?" Dave demanded, watching as Cloud blew right past one at ten over the limit and at a glance the speedometer kept climbing.

"There's no one on the road," Strife shrugged. "Highway right?" he asked, weaving around a slower-moving car to reach the merge.

"Strife, I have to–" Before Dave could even grab the handhold above his head Cloud audibly hit the gas pedal and shifted from third to fifth gear in seconds, bypassing two cars and a red sports car that immediately took that as a challenge.

"Strife!" Dave shouted, wanting to instinctively slam on his emergency break but aware that at the speed of the car and all the others on the highway it would leave him a splattered mess. A Third maybe not, but Dave was just an older army recruit with a good gig.

"Cloud Strife, Third Class! Turn this car around and return to the parking lot immediately!" Dave ordered, but his voice was shrill as Strife was still weaving around cars with alarming alacrity.

Strife didn't even look at his rearview mirror let alone his blind-spots before crossing the entire highway in one long lane switch to take the next exit. Dave felt his lungs cease up and he shut his eyes, starting a prayer only to be cut off when his face was crushed to the window.

Dave yelped as he realized the Third was performing a complete 180 degree turn on a gil, so tight the tires had to be burning the pavement. Then he righted and shot down the street, the car bumping and jerking along. Glancing back, Dave did indeed see tire marks behind them. Having lost some speed on the turn and ignoring the cars moving at proper speeds ahead, Strife continued to switch to higher gears.

"That's it, you're endangering all offffFFFFF–" Dave's words slurred into a scream as Strife swerved and narrowly missed an SUV and _mounted the sidewalk_ to get around a group of slow-moving cars. "WHAT ARE YOU–"

The car bounced and the bumper hit the ground with a metallic thwack as they landed back on the street, the sidewalk now sans one postbox thanks for Strife clipping it. He didn't even seem to hear the horns and car alarms going off like crazy behind them.

This time Dave didn't even care about the traffic or the dizzying speed they were still making on a busy drag, he stomped on his side break hard enough to stop the Planet's spin. Unfortunately for Dave it had zero effect on both the planet and Cloud Strife's driving thanks to the meddling of a certain friend.

Dave's head jerked to the side as Strife veered left, and then the administrator's hall came into view. "Oh thank god," he moaned, feeling his knees grow weak as he saw the final test come into sight. "Just stop the car inside. Or here. Or anywhere really. You don't have to do the parking test–"

"I've done tighter."

"Noooooo–" Dave grabbed at the door handle for dear life as Strife barreled through the entryway, knocking the side mirror off another instructor's car and swung into _another_ impossibly sharp turn. Dave's face was pressed so tightly to the window he could make out the slow-motion transformation of horror on the other instructors faces as Strife slid into the parking spot and stopped.

The moment the car ceased to move Dave was undoing the door and fighting with his seatbelt to touch hard ground. Blessed ground. Sweet beautiful _unmoving_ ground.

Strife got out of the car a moment later and came around to see the rumpled instructor panting and heaving as he grabbed fistfuls of grass, his clipboard dropped on the ground. Picking it up, Cloud saw he'd gotten check marks for mirror and seatbelt safety and after that everything was a giant mass of squiggles when Dave stopped paying attention to writing and started screaming.

He spotted something on the bottom section though. "I was supposed to reverse into the spot?" Cloud glanced at the car then back at the instructor. "I can do it again if you want."

Cloud moved back to the front door and Dave was on his feet and yelping like a small dog. "No! No! You are _banned_ from driving in Midgar. _Banned_. You just– you just– there are _rules!"_

Cloud just looked at the instructor with an unmoving expression that managed to somehow convey absolute derision for this test and a total disregard for Dave's glorified rules. "I wouldn't drive in Midgar anyway, there's a train."

So saying, Cloud Strife walked away without a license and the knowledge that he'd done SOLDIERs requirements down to the letter, but thank god Reno knew how to make it fun.


	19. Cards Against Humanity

**Writer's Note:** Found this story floating around my tumblr and realized I hadn't posted it. Here you go!

 **Cards Against Humanity**

"…Weren't these banned?" Sephiroth asks as he opens his hand, one silver eyebrow curving up.

Cloud's eyes flick through his card and he understands immediately why this game was banned. SOLDIERs and a dirty card game that can easily be made into a drinking game? Cloud was almost surprised it wasn't banned the moment it was invented. Reno was grinning of course, because this was exactly the sort of game he played.

"Nevermind that," Zack waved away Sephiroth's mild rebuke. "Neither of you have played this and that really _is_ a crime against humanity."

Zack waggled his eyebrows at his pun, but Cloud was trying not to make a face at one of his cards and Sephiroth's neutral expression looked almost deadpan. Reno rolled his eyes. "We playin' or what? Anyone got chips?"

"We're not gambling," Sephiroth said flatly.

"Then we're drinkin?" Reno asked, looking around Zack's apartment like he'd missed the liquor cabinet on the way in.

"We're doing it for laughs," Zack said.

"…You have to have a bottle here somewhere," Reno said, getting up and rummaging through Zack's kitchen. He returned a moment later triumphantly with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. "Everyone take a sip." Reno generously passed it around, and while Sephiroth and Zack both refused Cloud took a mouthful. He might need it.

"First black card," Zack said, not losing any of his momentum even as Reno took two swallows in a row. Zack flipped the first one from the deck over.

 _What's fun until it gets weird?_

Sephiroth placidly put his white card down after some contemplation while Reno hemmed and hawed for a moment before sliding his on to the table. Cloud stared at the perfect card in his hand and dithered for a moment before putting it down.

Zack gathered up all the white cards and shuffled them before laying each flat and reading them aloud. "Dining with cardboard cutouts from 'Loveless'," he read, gaze going immediately to Sephiroth. "Necrophilia," he said more slowly, glancing at Reno now, and, "A slightly shittier parallel universe."

Reno took a hardy drink to stop from laughing as Cloud deliberately adopted a blank look.

"You guys know the point is to pick a card that you think the judge will choose, right? And not the card that most obviously gives away who picked it?"

"You did not adequately explain that corollary," Sephiroth said.

"You're bleeding," Reno interrupted, and Sephiroth turned sharply to stare at him. "No, I mean, I can see your cards." The General snapped them back up to his chest and glared, and Reno shrugged his shoulders so it wouldn't look cowardly when he broke eye contact.

"Let's try this again. Your turn Reno," Zack said, pushing the black deck over to him.

 _The class field trip was ruined by _._

Zack slapped his card down immediately. Cloud and Sephiroth were slower but the moment all three cards were on the table Reno swept them up and shuffled them.

"We've got… 'President Shinra in women's underwear'—not bad—'headless, child zombies'—okay, weird—and 'a rendition of 'Ice2 Ice2 Baby' sung by chocobos with the flu'." Reno paused and visibly reread that one. "I'm going with President Shinra in women's underwear."

Reno looked at Zack, who shrugged. "I was zombies."

"Seriously?" Reno sputtered as Cloud claimed the black card. When Reno looked at him Cloud minutely shook his head. Reno could see in Cloud's eyes that the blond had _seen things_.

"Wait, you know that song Sephiroth?" Zack asked, looking surprised at the General.

"The radio is frequently on in the First Class gym," he answered casually.

"Well, at least everyone's getting the hang of the game," Zack shrugged.


End file.
